WOW What a Year So Far....

So - I truly suck at this whole blogging thing - but I need to write today - At the end of  April, 2012 I had some major changes in my life! I am currently living alone in my Grandparents home in Riverdale. Tom and I made the decision to not be together any longer and truthfully, I would not be able to afford the house and do the upkeep - He thinks he can afford it with no problems, so he stayed there - However with the house stays Katey. We did not want to cause her more upheaval than absolutely necessary and she wanted to stay with Dad so he would be ok - One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was to say good-bye to her on the first day I moved. It has not gotten any easier over the last three weeks either. I HATE going home to an empty house each night - I HATE being alone - This is one hard thing to do. However, the stress level in my life has been cut down because I am no longer living in a tension/stress filled home. I NEVER wanted to get a second divorce in my life - I tried for years to make this work, but it wasn't getting better and I wasn't happy. I have been told that I deserve happiness - and I am starting to think that maybe I do!

Throughout this process I have been leaning heavily on my friends - A few in particular - Neesha introduced me to the most amazing person in Hillary and together these two gals are getting me to feel better about myself and making me realize that I can be healthy and happy. I don't know where I would be without these two! I know I would still be 50 pounds heavier than I am now - so a BIG Thank You to Hill and Neesha! I also got the opportunity to go to New York with Hillary to see my hero, OPRAH in person! This trip was an absolutely amazing experience. I was in the same room with Oprah! The atmosphere was so incredible - It made me really believe that I can do anything I set my mind to. Tony Robbins was on with her and I was moved by him also - He was telling us to write our own story - change it if it isn't what we want. I can do anything I set my mind to - if I just try hard! I am trying hard to change the story that is narrating my life in my head - It is a hard step, but I know I can do it!

Where did 2011 go?

I can't even believe it is December 1, 2011!!! This year has flown by in my eyes - even with all the upheaval in it, I still can't believe it is almost over! The Christmas season has arrived!

I made the decision that I need to be happy - and in order to be happy, I am going to have to make changes - a big one is going to come in January - and I sure hope it will turn out to be ok!

Vegas, baby!

Well I took off and went to Vegas this last weekend. I needed some time to think and make a few decisions. The drive all alone gave me great time to think through what is happening in my life. I am not a happy person - I do not have a happy home life - and now my daughter hates me. So, what do I do? Do I stay in the unhappy house and be unhappy day after day - Do I leave and take some time for me which will give me time to really make good decisions - If I leave, what will happen to Katey? Will she ever like me again? Katey says she won't stay with me or my husband if we aren't together - she will go to a friend's house - that isn't feasible, but it is what she wants and thinks she gets to do - when did she get to be the boss in her mind?

Vegas was great, relaxing and helped me make a decision - I hope that the decision will be right - My relationship is still complicated - and I have a feeling it will be that way for a long time -

Am I selfish?

Am I a selfish person to want what I want? I think that I think of others more than I think about me most of the time, but right now I am thinking about me and what can I do to make me happy! I need to be a happier me in order to be a better Mom for Katey - I cannot be the best for her when I am not at my best.

I wrote a while ago about "It's Complicated" and it is getting to be more and more complicated as time goes on. I have been called a roommate and to me that is the ultimate burn for a husband to say to a wife - so I have decided to act like a roommate - Do my thing, do what I want and make sure that Katey is taken care of.

It's Complicated.....

So - I changed my status on facebook to "It's Complicated" - Those two little words say such big things. My life is complicated - my relationship is complicated - but I think I may be on the right track. I have big decisions to make and I have so many people that are affected by these decisions that I have to really step back and look at the big picture.

On a different note, Grandpa turned 94 years old today. He wasn't having a very good day, so I feel bad that I didn't drive over there and see him in person - but life gets in the way - I wasn't sure I wanted to go when he was so confused - it would just upset me and him and Grandma....I have decided that I do not want to live to be that old!

AND some GREAT news - I am starting to workout again with Hillary. She is a fantastic person that helped my friend Neesha so much this year - and this summer she really was starting to help me - so even though 5:15 am is awfully early for me - I think it will be worth it in the long run!!!!! YEAH Hillary & Neesha for getting this big butt moving!!!

Happy

So - I am getting happy - it is going to involve some changes in my life, but I am getting happy!

I deserve it! My kids deserve a happier Mom.

J

Been awhile!

I am the worst at this whole blogging thing. I just don't think my life is all that interesting. Summer has come and gone - Way tooooooo fast! I didn't really do anything or go anywhere this summer, and it was great. I love being able to just spend time at home! Don't get me wrong, I would love to be able to spend time on a beach in the caribbean too, but it wasn't in the cards this year. Maybe someday!

I spent lots of time with my sisters and their families - then the whole family migrated north to Bear Lake for a great relaxing week of water fun! Mom & Dad rented a home for all of us and it was so great. The house was big enough for all of us to have rooms and still spend quality time together! Nikolas even was able to come - which hasn't happened for a long time - so it was a great week!

Then it was time to go back to school - I have to say, the students this year seem a bit different. They are just different. I know I have to let the seniors go when they graduate - but man I could really use a few of my old buddies every now and then to make me smile.