Saying Goodbye....

Today I did one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. I told the man responsible for me being here goodbye. He is dying.....the last time I saw him he was still looking ok - today he wasn't. He has shrunk down to nothing, is very jaundiced and unresponsive. I am angry at his wife for not letting me know it was getting bad before he is this far gone. I believe however, that he heard what I had to say. He looked me in the eyes and I know he heard me. I forgave him which was even harder than seeing him as sick as he was. I know I have had feelings of anger, resentment and hate towards Gary for all of my life. I never understood how he could walk away from his children and give them up without a fight. I don't know that I will ever understand that, especially since I have become a mother and could NEVER leave my children no matter what!!!

When I was younger I always had thoughts that Gary would come see me and tell me that he really did want me - and he was sorry he left. I always wanted to believe that he was thinking of me and still loved me. But he never came...I found him when I was 21 and saw him a few times, but we never established an ongoing relationship...I have seen him several times over the years and still wonder if he thought of me...

So, the end is here and I am feeling confused, distraught and sad. I will survive however, because I am strong and I have a great family all around me. I couldn't ask for a better father that raised me and whom I consider my Dad - he has sacrificed so much for me and given me a fantastic life - I am so glad I have had the life I have lived.

Goodbye Gary - Michael is there to greet you - tell him I still need my big brother to watch over me.