WOW What a Year So Far....

So - I truly suck at this whole blogging thing - but I need to write today - At the end of  April, 2012 I had some major changes in my life! I am currently living alone in my Grandparents home in Riverdale. Tom and I made the decision to not be together any longer and truthfully, I would not be able to afford the house and do the upkeep - He thinks he can afford it with no problems, so he stayed there - However with the house stays Katey. We did not want to cause her more upheaval than absolutely necessary and she wanted to stay with Dad so he would be ok - One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was to say good-bye to her on the first day I moved. It has not gotten any easier over the last three weeks either. I HATE going home to an empty house each night - I HATE being alone - This is one hard thing to do. However, the stress level in my life has been cut down because I am no longer living in a tension/stress filled home. I NEVER wanted to get a second divorce in my life - I tried for years to make this work, but it wasn't getting better and I wasn't happy. I have been told that I deserve happiness - and I am starting to think that maybe I do!

Throughout this process I have been leaning heavily on my friends - A few in particular - Neesha introduced me to the most amazing person in Hillary and together these two gals are getting me to feel better about myself and making me realize that I can be healthy and happy. I don't know where I would be without these two! I know I would still be 50 pounds heavier than I am now - so a BIG Thank You to Hill and Neesha! I also got the opportunity to go to New York with Hillary to see my hero, OPRAH in person! This trip was an absolutely amazing experience. I was in the same room with Oprah! The atmosphere was so incredible - It made me really believe that I can do anything I set my mind to. Tony Robbins was on with her and I was moved by him also - He was telling us to write our own story - change it if it isn't what we want. I can do anything I set my mind to - if I just try hard! I am trying hard to change the story that is narrating my life in my head - It is a hard step, but I know I can do it!

Where did 2011 go?

I can't even believe it is December 1, 2011!!! This year has flown by in my eyes - even with all the upheaval in it, I still can't believe it is almost over! The Christmas season has arrived!

I made the decision that I need to be happy - and in order to be happy, I am going to have to make changes - a big one is going to come in January - and I sure hope it will turn out to be ok!

Vegas, baby!

Well I took off and went to Vegas this last weekend. I needed some time to think and make a few decisions. The drive all alone gave me great time to think through what is happening in my life. I am not a happy person - I do not have a happy home life - and now my daughter hates me. So, what do I do? Do I stay in the unhappy house and be unhappy day after day - Do I leave and take some time for me which will give me time to really make good decisions - If I leave, what will happen to Katey? Will she ever like me again? Katey says she won't stay with me or my husband if we aren't together - she will go to a friend's house - that isn't feasible, but it is what she wants and thinks she gets to do - when did she get to be the boss in her mind?

Vegas was great, relaxing and helped me make a decision - I hope that the decision will be right - My relationship is still complicated - and I have a feeling it will be that way for a long time -

Am I selfish?

Am I a selfish person to want what I want? I think that I think of others more than I think about me most of the time, but right now I am thinking about me and what can I do to make me happy! I need to be a happier me in order to be a better Mom for Katey - I cannot be the best for her when I am not at my best.

I wrote a while ago about "It's Complicated" and it is getting to be more and more complicated as time goes on. I have been called a roommate and to me that is the ultimate burn for a husband to say to a wife - so I have decided to act like a roommate - Do my thing, do what I want and make sure that Katey is taken care of.

It's Complicated.....

So - I changed my status on facebook to "It's Complicated" - Those two little words say such big things. My life is complicated - my relationship is complicated - but I think I may be on the right track. I have big decisions to make and I have so many people that are affected by these decisions that I have to really step back and look at the big picture.

On a different note, Grandpa turned 94 years old today. He wasn't having a very good day, so I feel bad that I didn't drive over there and see him in person - but life gets in the way - I wasn't sure I wanted to go when he was so confused - it would just upset me and him and Grandma....I have decided that I do not want to live to be that old!

AND some GREAT news - I am starting to workout again with Hillary. She is a fantastic person that helped my friend Neesha so much this year - and this summer she really was starting to help me - so even though 5:15 am is awfully early for me - I think it will be worth it in the long run!!!!! YEAH Hillary & Neesha for getting this big butt moving!!!

Happy

So - I am getting happy - it is going to involve some changes in my life, but I am getting happy!

I deserve it! My kids deserve a happier Mom.

J

Been awhile!

I am the worst at this whole blogging thing. I just don't think my life is all that interesting. Summer has come and gone - Way tooooooo fast! I didn't really do anything or go anywhere this summer, and it was great. I love being able to just spend time at home! Don't get me wrong, I would love to be able to spend time on a beach in the caribbean too, but it wasn't in the cards this year. Maybe someday!

I spent lots of time with my sisters and their families - then the whole family migrated north to Bear Lake for a great relaxing week of water fun! Mom & Dad rented a home for all of us and it was so great. The house was big enough for all of us to have rooms and still spend quality time together! Nikolas even was able to come - which hasn't happened for a long time - so it was a great week!

Then it was time to go back to school - I have to say, the students this year seem a bit different. They are just different. I know I have to let the seniors go when they graduate - but man I could really use a few of my old buddies every now and then to make me smile.

Grrrrrr.........

So - I usually always hate the end of the term - but this time I hate it MUCHO!!!!! I have caught the same student cheating twice in my class - he is freaking out because he isn't passing - so I told him I would accept some late work if he turned it in today - well, he turned it in, I graded it and told him the score that he would need on the final test - well he left the room for lunch, forgot to log-off his computer - when I went to log-off I found out that he cheated AGAIN!!!!!

Three times, really - ????? GRRRRRRRR......I am so angry - I still can't believe the nerve of this kid - really, I caught you once - you not only do it once more - but twice - and after I was trying to help!!!??? WOW!!!

The good thing - I made a kid cry today! Guess I am doing ok!

Day 5 - My definition of a great day!

A great day to me:

Weekday - Wake up on time - Leave for school On Time (Katey is a bit of a problem in this area) - None of my students cheat on assignments - All my grading gets done and computer updated - nap after school - a great home-cooked dinner (cooked by someone other than me!) - A quiet evening at home, reading, watching TV and spending time with my family. Open the mailbox and see my Lottery Winnings or My Rich Uncle's Life Insurance check! (This hasn't happened yet, in case you were wondering!)

Weekend - Sleep In!!!! Relax and enjoy various activities! Going to a movie really makes it a great one!!!

Boring - but that's me!!!

Day 4 - What I ate today....

Well - not real exciting - but here it goes:

1 piece toast with strawberry jelly

A Sweet Pork Costa Vida Salad!

Chicken Pot Pie

Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie

A few M & M's

That's it!

Day 3 - My Parents

Well - that is a loaded subject for me! I have three parents - two FANTASTIC ones and one absent one.

I was born to my Mom, Bonnie Lesley and my 'real' father, Gary Cope. However, they didn't stay together and at the age of 5 my mom remarried my Dad, Bob Marshall and at the age of 10, Gary gave up his rights and Bob adopted myself and my older sister.

My Mom & Dad are two of the best people I know. They are the most giving and most understanding parents anyone could wish for. Dad and I spent my growing up years arguing, mainly because we are so so different - and I like to be right! We knew we loved each other - but I always found a way to disagree with what he was saying. Now, we still butt heads at times, and he drives me crazy with his long and repeated stories constantly - but I know he would do anything and everything for me!

My Mom and my sisters are my best friends - I talk to her at least once a day - sometimes more - she is the first person i think to call when something, good or bad, happens to me. I often state that the reason I stay in Utah is because I couldn't survive without my Mom. She was Nikolas' full-time babysitter when I was single and always kept a close eye on he and I to make sure we had what we needed. I know that I can depend on her - and she helps me whenever I or my kids need help! Without her, I wouldn't be where I am today!

Now - my 'real' father - Gary Cope - we had a rocky relationship - didn't see him until I was 18 years old, and that night he had been drinking - alot - as he did his whole life. I kept in contact, with Christmas cards - saw him a few times - but we didn't always see the same side of an issue. One year ago this month I found out he had pancreatic cancer - so I made the trip to Salt Lake to visit him - He sat and stared at me, and told me he had quit drinking three years prior - he hoped I would be happy about that - I was, for him. The hardest part is looking at him as it was pretty much like looking in a mirror I resembled him so much! This past September I got the call that it was near the end - so I went to say goodbye - He was non-responsive until I told him I forgave him for leaving me - he looked in my eyes and I know he knew it was me - he mouthed the words "I'm sorry" - I left, and two hours later he was gone. And, to quote Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that!"

Day 2 - My First Love

Day 2 - My First Love

Well, to say this will be interesting is probably a lie - and some of you may think I don't remember my first love - but even being as old as I am, I do.

I met him when I was 16 through friends - he went to a different school than I did - but we managed to have a great relationship - this was before cell phone and texting, so he would call every night and I would have to sit on the floor in the dining room, right by my parents, and talk to him - and there was a time limit!

We were going to get married right after high school - then a guy at my school asked me out, I went and he didn't like it - so we broke up, but that wasn't it - we started dating again after high school, right after he returned early from his mission - we were taking it slower this time, and dated other people (well he did, I didn't get asked out much). Well, he went on a date with this girl and before I knew it they were engaged, QUICKLY - I was heartbroken but he invited me and I went to the reception (not alone, I took one of my hottest and best friends)!

I can tell you now - first loves never die - I know this one didn't - who knows, maybe it will be our time in the future.

That could be helpful information - or not!

30 days of Blogging - Day 1

So - I saw this on a blog the other day, and thought hey, I can do that....so I will be doing 30 days of blog - each with a specific subject.....

Day 1 - Introduce Yourself

I think this is a little weird, because if you are reading this you should already know me, but, here we go:

Julie Ann Cope Marshall Bobowski Banta

(all the names I have been known by in my life)

(Explanation?: Cope, my name until I was 10, then my real dad gave up his rights and I was adopted by my Dad which gave me Marshall. Bobowski, first marriage in 1988 which lasted less than 2 years, but got Nikolas!- which brings me to Banta - hopefully the last change)

Born and raised in Utah - never lived anywhere else!

(I am too big of a wimp to move far away from my Mom)

My husband, Tom, is a great guy who works very hard for our family. He is from a small town in California and never flew on a commercial plane until we got married - He grew up flying private with his Mom and Dad on their plane....

My parents, Bob and Bonnie live in West Haven and are so great to feed me and my family every Sunday! (I HATE to cook)

I have two beautiful children, Nikolas (21) and Katey (14). I spend most of my time driving Katey to dance, volleyball, dance, the mall, volleyball etc......They wish that I liked to cook a little more!

I have one brother who died right after birth, and I have three beautiful sisters! They have given me 5 Nephews and 3 Nieces that I love very much. I also have two fantastic brothers-in-law!

I am lucky to still have my Grandparents - Grandpa is 92 (still driving, so watch out for a bright red Cadillac!) and Grandma is 89 - health not too good, but they are still here!

I have great Aunts and Uncles that I have been close to all my life and some great, yet a little weird, cousins that I see occasionally!

Have worked many jobs in my life - Floral Designer, Hot Dog on a Stick, 1 Potato 2, Copper Rivet, Weber State University, Bonneville Communications, Ogden/Weber Chamber of Commerce, Sources Screenprinting, SGS Accounting Firm and finally made it to my dream job at Northridge High School!

I absolutely love to read, and read at least 1 hour a night - I got a Kindle for my birthday and I LOVE it!

I love to do Cross-stitch, or at least I did until my vision started going and I can't see close up without reading glasses on - Don't laugh you will be there someday!

Holidays are not my favorite things - I am not big into decorating for them, and only do it for Christmas usually.

I am a pretty basic gal - need to lose a lot of weight, but refuse to make a resolution that will only be broken, so I will just say, I need to and hope I do. My feet do not cooperate when I want to exercise as they have severe problems and pain, so I do what I can when I can!

I like to travel, but don't really love to fly - I get airsick, BAD! - but as long as I get the meds I am good, so I would like to travel more, but hey, I'm a teacher - not a lot of extra money to travel with!

That's it - Enjoy!

Time goes by...

Time seems to slip by without anything to blog about - I read all the blogs of my wonderful friends and their lives seem so fun and busy - My life consists of catching cheaters in Accounting class, taking Katey to dance, volleyball, Young Women's, dance, volleyball and anywhere else she can think of; grading papers; working at my other jobs and trying to see some sort of happiness in life.

I have been so moody lately and not wanting to even do ANYTHING but stay home - I don't even feel like I have the strength to go to my Mom's house on Sunday - I finally forced myself to go shopping today, since Christmas is coming pretty soon - but even then I wasn't gone very long and had to get back home - hopefully once this week is over I will be able to work through whatever it is I am going through.....

Can't wait to see my girls that have gone away to school - hope I get to spend time with them and maybe their happiness will rub off on me!

Cancer....AGAIN!

Well - cancer is striking again! A fellow teacher has been battling breast cancer for almost a year, and now it has gone everywhere! They have sent her home from the hospital with a grim prognosis....and she is young and has young children! Why do we have to have this horrible disease on our planet? This is the third person in my life that will lose their battle with cancer within 8 months...

Why?

It's been awhile....

So - at some point my life has become WAY too busy. I blame most of this on my beautiful daughter Katey. She is an active child and is involved in dance, played school volleyball and is now playing club volleyball. Club volleyball takes up both of our time at this time in our life. I do all the finance stuff for the club, so that I get a discount on Katey's fees - YEEHAW! It is worth it for me.

Had a great visit this last weekend with all my sisters. Tiff and Deb were both in town. Tiff of course brought baby Ian and I got great cuddle time! I love cuddling with him, he is such a cute cuddler!

Other than school and volleyball, not much else going on....can't believe next week is Thanksgiving! And then Christmas?!?

Where did Fall Break Go?

WOW - that four days went way too fast!!! Last I remembered it was Weds night and I had four days off....well not anymore - it is now Sunday night and I have school in the morning! How did that happen?

Not much going on in life right now - I have talked more to my sis Deb in the past two weeks than I had for about six months - I think she and my Mom think I am going to have a nervous breakdown or something - but if I hear the words "I think you need counseling" one more time I may lose it on them....!

Well, back to school I go - FBLA adventure this Friday!!!

Closure....

Yesterday was Gary Cope's funeral - he is my real dad. I have been all sorts of things this week - frustrated, sad, angry, confused, lost - just all around emotional. I saw him two hours before he passed away - I went to his house to see him and I was able to say goodbye to him - to tell him that I was sorry and to tell him that I forgave him - Mom asked me to tell him that she forgave him also - and then he was gone.

His memorial service was unique to say the least - his wife didn't shed a tear - Mom came with Debbie and I and she cried more than his wife did - she got closure and she needed it. One thing that happened was I was reintroduced to four of my five uncles. They were in shock that Deb and I were there - and so happy. I am not a real tight huggy type, but all four of them grabbed me and wouldn't let go. They had missed me. For 43 years they knew I was around, but didn't get to see me. That was a bonus - and will continue to be one as we try to establish a relationship.

So, closure on that part of my life, and yet a new door opened. I just hope I have the courage to open the door and walk through it.

Saying Goodbye....

Today I did one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. I told the man responsible for me being here goodbye. He is dying.....the last time I saw him he was still looking ok - today he wasn't. He has shrunk down to nothing, is very jaundiced and unresponsive. I am angry at his wife for not letting me know it was getting bad before he is this far gone. I believe however, that he heard what I had to say. He looked me in the eyes and I know he heard me. I forgave him which was even harder than seeing him as sick as he was. I know I have had feelings of anger, resentment and hate towards Gary for all of my life. I never understood how he could walk away from his children and give them up without a fight. I don't know that I will ever understand that, especially since I have become a mother and could NEVER leave my children no matter what!!!

When I was younger I always had thoughts that Gary would come see me and tell me that he really did want me - and he was sorry he left. I always wanted to believe that he was thinking of me and still loved me. But he never came...I found him when I was 21 and saw him a few times, but we never established an ongoing relationship...I have seen him several times over the years and still wonder if he thought of me...

So, the end is here and I am feeling confused, distraught and sad. I will survive however, because I am strong and I have a great family all around me. I couldn't ask for a better father that raised me and whom I consider my Dad - he has sacrificed so much for me and given me a fantastic life - I am so glad I have had the life I have lived.

Goodbye Gary - Michael is there to greet you - tell him I still need my big brother to watch over me.

Wednesday......

Well it's Wednesday.....and I am fed up with students already this week - I do not understand how students come to class to just sit there and do nothing! 90 minutes of staring at a wall....why????? I won't let them sleep in peace, so two students sat and stared....did NOTHING!!!

Can someone let me in on the thought that goes through students' minds that allow them to waste time like that????

On another note - Mud Games for Homecoming Week was a HUGE success today - Assembly tomorrow - first time in the stadium - PLEASE pray that it will go well - and be a success!!!!

Still no date to the dance, Trace isn't available!