Where did Fall Break Go?

WOW - that four days went way too fast!!! Last I remembered it was Weds night and I had four days off....well not anymore - it is now Sunday night and I have school in the morning! How did that happen?

Not much going on in life right now - I have talked more to my sis Deb in the past two weeks than I had for about six months - I think she and my Mom think I am going to have a nervous breakdown or something - but if I hear the words "I think you need counseling" one more time I may lose it on them....!

Well, back to school I go - FBLA adventure this Friday!!!

Closure....

Yesterday was Gary Cope's funeral - he is my real dad. I have been all sorts of things this week - frustrated, sad, angry, confused, lost - just all around emotional. I saw him two hours before he passed away - I went to his house to see him and I was able to say goodbye to him - to tell him that I was sorry and to tell him that I forgave him - Mom asked me to tell him that she forgave him also - and then he was gone.

His memorial service was unique to say the least - his wife didn't shed a tear - Mom came with Debbie and I and she cried more than his wife did - she got closure and she needed it. One thing that happened was I was reintroduced to four of my five uncles. They were in shock that Deb and I were there - and so happy. I am not a real tight huggy type, but all four of them grabbed me and wouldn't let go. They had missed me. For 43 years they knew I was around, but didn't get to see me. That was a bonus - and will continue to be one as we try to establish a relationship.

So, closure on that part of my life, and yet a new door opened. I just hope I have the courage to open the door and walk through it.

Saying Goodbye....

Today I did one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. I told the man responsible for me being here goodbye. He is dying.....the last time I saw him he was still looking ok - today he wasn't. He has shrunk down to nothing, is very jaundiced and unresponsive. I am angry at his wife for not letting me know it was getting bad before he is this far gone. I believe however, that he heard what I had to say. He looked me in the eyes and I know he heard me. I forgave him which was even harder than seeing him as sick as he was. I know I have had feelings of anger, resentment and hate towards Gary for all of my life. I never understood how he could walk away from his children and give them up without a fight. I don't know that I will ever understand that, especially since I have become a mother and could NEVER leave my children no matter what!!!

When I was younger I always had thoughts that Gary would come see me and tell me that he really did want me - and he was sorry he left. I always wanted to believe that he was thinking of me and still loved me. But he never came...I found him when I was 21 and saw him a few times, but we never established an ongoing relationship...I have seen him several times over the years and still wonder if he thought of me...

So, the end is here and I am feeling confused, distraught and sad. I will survive however, because I am strong and I have a great family all around me. I couldn't ask for a better father that raised me and whom I consider my Dad - he has sacrificed so much for me and given me a fantastic life - I am so glad I have had the life I have lived.

Goodbye Gary - Michael is there to greet you - tell him I still need my big brother to watch over me.